


Black Hole

by lalez



Series: What if [6]
Category: S.W.A.T. (TV 2017)
Genre: Crusade Aftermath, Episode Tag, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29373003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalez/pseuds/lalez
Summary: How will Chris deal with the loss of her new roommate and friend? Just my short take on one possible aftermath of Season 4 Episode 8 Crusade
Relationships: Friendship - Relationship
Series: What if [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1850047
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was only planned as my way of dealing with Crusade but through a message on ffnet this piece got some depth. Seeing as the promo for the next episode already all but contradicts this I thought there is no harm in sharing. I know there is nothing to enjoy in here but thank you for reading and if you feel like sharing your thoughts.

Chris feels raw and numb at the same time.

Now on the drive home is the first time her colleagues aren't at her side.

The mandatory session with the psychologist had not really helped her with her guilt and anger. Listening to Dr. Wendy talking about the five stages of grief, mapping out the path forward had been a tiny steppingstone she had tried to keep stoic. Her tears had been in her eyes the whole time, threatening to spill even if that seemed impossible. So many tears had been cried up until that point.

Chris had fought them all, no one had been able to console her and now standing alone in front of her door she feels like slamming her fist against it.

Her anger at herself bubbling away in her stomach. She shouldn't have made the suggestion to take Erika with them. If they had rolled out one down, she would still be alive.

How had that even happened? Why Erika? She wasn't even supposed to be there? Why not me?

Subconsciously Chris starts bargaining with an unseen force, trying to figure out what she could've done differently.

Her feelings are all over the place, and for a hot minute, she is even angry at Deac for not having been there before the horrific scene in her mind changes to him lying there on the pallets bleeding out. The shock brings her back to her apartment and the empty living room.

She flops down on the ground where the taped-out shape of their sofa is. This time she can't stop the tears. The memory of their conversation from this morning coming back full force. Chris hits the floor next to her.

This is not fair. This wasn't supposed to happen.

After what feels like an eternity Chris finally moves to her bed, falling into a restless sleep. Always dreaming of different scenarios but everything always ends with either Erika or anybody else dying.

Out of habit, she prepares two coffee mugs for breakfast, and only when she is in front of Erika's door, about to knock, it hits her again. These dreams were not all simply nightmares. They were fueled by the past day.

Still, she knocks on the door before opening it. It feels wrong not to knock, even if she isn't here. Will never be here again.

Chris takes a look around the room, she knows she isn't ready to pack this all up, but her rational mind still wants to take stock of what will need to be done.

Her eyes land on the legal pad and pen on the small desk and her feet move in that direction instantly. Not necessarily out of curiosity but what if it is something important, something she can take of right now.

Chris knows she needs to stay busy, to not fall down the black hole that are her feelings right now.

And since she doesn't have work to keep her occupied today, maybe she can do this for Erika and feel close to her. Keep her in her thoughts and help.

When she turns over the folded paper her breath stops.

_Chris,_

_It feels right and wrong at the same time writing this. Is that normal? It feels weird addressing this to a fellow officer. When I wrote for my family, after the academy, and to keep up with the tradition, I knew exactly what to write to them, but for you? For someone who knows what is out there?_

_Let me try this another way:_

_I am happy you are my friend. That we found a way to get along even after you drew the line in the sand you helped me through the academy. I am sure you forced Street to help me. And I think I never said thank you for that. So, if I still didn't: THANK YOU. And if I did? Well, I can't thank you enough._

_You made sure I was integrated, and you made sure I had connections with your friends too. I think I can finally understand why everyone is jealous of 20 David: you guys are more than friends. You are more like a family. Sometimes a little dysfunctional but still._

Chris can't help the small smile and quiet laugh over her tears. Her team is a small, dysfunctional family. But they are always there for each other even if they aren't talking much.

Her eyes look down at the paper again. Turning the paper, to continue reading:

_Thank you for making me a part of that family._

Chris can't stop the new onslaught of tears reading that last line. They had all let her in, Street had called her honorary 20 David yesterday.

She sinks to the floor, not even daring to sit on the bed, and cries bitter tears of regret.

_It should've been me._


	2. Thunderstorm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens right after Chris closes her door at the end of Next of Kin?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the way my own feelings shine through but simply put no one deserves to be treated that way. Not even Molly (and no she is not mentioned in this.)

Chris can't keep the tears in any longer. Tears of frustration and anger. Anger at herself for even opening the door, hell calling out to whom she thought was Latasha outside her door. She shouldn't have let him in.

What the hell did just happen? Why couldn't he, just for once, stop talking?

How, why, what? A million questions run through Chris's mind as she slowly sinks to the floor in front of the door. Just like the night of Erika's death, she thumbs the floor right next to her.

The pain revibrating through her body, reminding her once more she is still alive, but Erika is gone. The one person she could maybe talk this situation through with.

What is she supposed to do now?

Chris flashes back to the moment she let him into the apartment. It started perfectly normal, innocent even with him asking how she is doing. She expected that; and then? Everything went sideways.

Why had he made it about himself?

Chris feels the anger rising again. Anger at herself.

_Why did I have to ask what had been weighing on him? If I had just ignored that comment and not asked._

Chris forces herself to get up off the floor and to get back to packing Erika's belongings, so Latasha didn't have to do that alone.

She starts methodically again. The scrapbook goes back into the box.

Her mind flashes again. She should've stopped him, before…

He is right. The situation is impossible. He made it that way.

Chris has to force herself to take a deep breath and not throw the pieces she has in her hands into the box.

Staring at the framed picture of a smiling Erika Chris flashes back to the gym and the night they had agreed to move in together. Erika had rightly pointed out that Street always seemed to get under her skin. She'd read the situation clearly and she'd have a field day with this mess.

Involuntarily a laugh escapes Chris's mouth.

She had accidentally reminded herself _again_ , that Erika couldn't make fun of her anymore. She died, and that idiot had the gall to say he was relieved about that fact.

The guilt washes over Chris again. Erika deserves to be grieved and remembered for her and not this, whatever this is now. She catches herself thinking that it would've been better if it had been her. At least she wouldn't be here packing up Erika's stuff, dealing with this emotional thunderstorm.

_It would be the other way round_.

Chris realizes she needs to talk to someone. Right now, before she does something incredibly stupid.

It is almost like an automated system as her fingers swipe and scroll their way through her phone to one specific number, but she catches herself just in time.

This time she can't call him. He is the problem.

By now the tears are streaming down her face and Chris clutches her phone a little harder. And she remembers the last time she was in tears trying to find help via her phone.

Swiping away at her cheeks she dials and almost repeats the words from last year: "Can I come over? I just, I can't be alone tonight."


End file.
